For Each Ecstatic Instant

by Emily Dickinson

If you always focus on the bad
The negative cloud always surrounding
You never know what you could have had
When love can come abounding

So here’s a secret just for you
Something to treasure
Something to see through
Pure, simple, pleasures

Tiny moments create happiness
If you just stop and seek
These moments can’t be missed
They can make your day or even your week

It’s a good conversation with an old friend
It’s a free drink at your coffee shop
It’s time you can afford to lend
It’s your favorite kind of pop

It’s a song that takes you back
It’s the smell of burning leaves
It’s getting your life on track
It’s finding your lost keys

Tiny moments make us
This I can never doubt
Look for them you must
They will come about

It’s a smile from a stranger
It’s no waiting in line
It’s putting ideas on paper
It’s sampling a new wine.

It’s a cool summer breeze
It’s the smell of an old book
It’s the changing of the trees
It’s having a reading nook.

Tiny moments shape us
Without knowing at times
So open your heart and eyes
They will change you in time

You  look around in the sweaty crowd, who has been standing for 8 hours straight, waiting to for their headlining band to go on stage. The mumbles of anxiousness fill the air. The filler music cuts, the lights go off, and an uproar breaks out of chants and screams. The show’s going to start.

They take the stage. The first chords strike. You stop breathing. In that moment…life has meaning. Happiness is an understatement. Everyone begins jumping up and down, their bodies in tune with the music, with one another. The lyrics, sung by the ever-so-talented vocalist, sound better than off a recording. They are right there. The riffs are mind blowing. The bass lines so insane, you wonder how it’s possible someone’s fingers can fly like that.

A song then, a song now, you know them all by heart. You’ve heard them a million times over. But this time, this night, they are different. They speak to you and move you more than ever.

After several songs of shredding, head banging, and singing at the top of your lungs, the notes slow. Dancing in the night air, they glide across effortlessly, creating a soothing and eerie sound. It’s the piano’s turn to speak.  People stop talking. Stop drinking. Stop smoking. And just listen. Some sing along, letting the words touch their souls.

An hour later, after you thought it couldn’t get any better, the band leaves. No. This can’t be over. Not yet. In unison, the crowd chants, begging them to come back for just one more song…just five more minutes of heaven. A chance to feel one more time.

In a surge of energy, they return, and rock the encore, better than you’ve ever seen. When it’s over, the feeling you have is indescribable. Speechless, you  feel that you  can take on the world. You look around and know that you’re not alone. Not a single person leaves without a smile on their face. Everyone feels that it. Everyone knows. There is something to believe in. There is a reason to live. Life can be good…

Live music has always impacted me like this. But this past weekend, at Kanrocksas, I couldn’t even fathom how awesome the day was. Everyone was there for the music. They were dedicated to stay out all day in the torching and scolding heat, to hear the music. Which is what it’s all about.  Through the course of the day, I got to see several amazing performances. It started with Best Coast, who I had never heard before. Female singer, alternative band. I’m anxious to listen to them and see more what they are about.

Then we caught the tail end of OKGO!  Honestly, I never gave this band much of a  listen because for some reason, I had it in my head that they were something completely different. They ROCKED IT! They all wore similar suits but in different, bright colors. They had the crowd engaged, and we were all singing “This Too Shall Pass.” I can’t wait to really listen to them now.

Next up we went and watched Grace Potter and the Nocturnals, which my best friend Cassie was dying to see. Wow. That pretty much summed it up. Her voice was so powerful and the way she danced across the stage like a free spirit was just down right kickass. The band was so energetic and talented. Many of them looked like they walked right of the movie “Almost Famous.”  I freakin’ loved it. Grace shook her tamborine, pounded the piano keys, and rocked the flying V like a professional badass. I’m pretty sure every guy present wanted a piece of Grace. She was gorgeous and owned the stage. I loved it when she played “Paris” and “Take Me Down to the Water.” But the best song of the set in my opinion, was her final song, “I’ve Got the Medicine“. . She had a way of making me feel empowered, sexy, and just ready to rock. My friend Cassie said she had tears in her eyes during the performance. It moved our souls. In the final song, her and the nocturnals all gathered around the drum set and jammed, each member contributing a beat to the drum. It was one of the coolest things I’ve ever seen at a show.

*Note – I was a genius and forgot the battery for my camera. These images were not taken by me, but I feel they paint a picture of what I witnessed. 

Next, Cassie and I ventured over for Cage the Elephant. Their sound was really grungy, and the lead singer reminded me of a brunette Kurt Cobain.  They had a good performance, but probably was my least favorite of the day.

Cassie and I then enjoyed some delicious food truck BBQ on the lawn while watching Flogging Molly stomp and tear it up. Gotta love those Irish boys.

Full and energized, we headed over to watch A Perfect Circle. I was personally really excited to see this band because I’ve been listening to them since high school. I find it weird though that Maynard (lead singer from Tool as well) faced the back of the stage the whole performance. My friend Shawn, whose seen them many times, said he always does that or plays in a cage. Not sure why? The performance was good and I loved that they played their “Imagine” cover as well as Passive (my favorite APC song). However, I don’t think I would ever pay to see them headline a show now.

Second to last, the soulful and ever-so-talented Black Keys took the stage. Awesome. I’m so glad I got to experience their groovy vibe live.

We left their performance a tad early to get as close as possible to Muse on the main stage. Now, Muse is my favorite band,  I have a tattoo based off some of their lyrics for crying out loud, so I went in about as excited as could be. They not only obliviated my expectations, but topped every single performance I’ve EVER seen. The scene I described above was from the Muse set list. They opened with “The Uprising” (killer) and played songs like “Hysteria,” “Starlight”, “Supermassive Black Hole”, “United States of Eurasia,” “Resistance,” and “Maps of the Problematique.” I think my favorite song they played though was “Undisclosed Desires.” I was in heaven. For the encore, they played the lesser-known song, “Plug in Baby” and finished off with the Rock Band classic, “Knights of Cydonia.”

Normally the stage effects do not make or break a show for me. I’m there for the musical talent. However Muse’s set was just madness. They had laser lights that went over the fogged covered crowd, dancing over the dancing. During one song, they released these giant eye ball balloons and everyone bounced them around while rocking out. Matthew Bellamy wore the coolest light up glasses and had a rotating amp. Christopher Wolstenholme‘s bass lit up. It made the show that much better, if possible.

Overall, Kanrocksas was easily one of the best days of my life. It has inspired a new goal for me – to create and attend a list of festivals across America including Austin City Limits, Coachella, Lollapalooza, and more.

Nothing will ever make me feel the way I did that day. Music is everything.

Life-changing. Inspiring. Real.

I would like to update this band list periodically to see how much my music taste has changed.

Here is an updated list of bands I want to see:

*Red Hot Chili Peppers
*MUSE
*Audioslave or Sound Garden or Chris Cornell in any form
*Eminem
*Grace Potter & the Nocturnals
*Regina Spektor
*Ingrid Michaelson
*Stone Sour
*Avenged Sevenfold
*The Black Keys
*Ratatat
*A Perfect Circle
*Pearl Jam
*Manchester Orchestra
*Lifehouse
*The Killers
*Jet
*Florence and the Machine
*Crash Kings
*Citizen Cope
*Blink 182

and more and more and more and more….

I wish I was your favourite girl,
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world.
I wish my smile was your favourite kind of smile,
I wish the way I dressed was your favourite kind of style.

I wish you couldn’t figure me out,
But you always wanna know what I was about.
I wish you’d hold my hand when I was upset,
I wish you’d never forget the look on my face when we first met.

I wish you had a favourite beauty spot that you loved secretly,
‘Cos it was on a hidden bit that nobody else could see.
Basically, I wish that you loved me,
I wish that you needed me,
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars, actually I meant three.

I wish that without me your heart would break,
Yeah, I wish that without me you’d be spending the rest of your nights awake.
I wish that without me you couldn’t eat,
Yeah, I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep.

But, all i know is that you’re the nicest thing I’ve ever seen;
And I wish that we could see if we could be something
Yeah, I wish we could see if we could be something..

All alone not by myself
Another girl bad for my health
I’ve seen it all thru someone else
and …
(another girl bad for my health)

Celebrated but undisturbed
Serenaded by the terror bird
It’s seldom seen and it’s never heard
(serenaded by the terror bird)

Never in the wrong time or wrong place
Desecration is the smile on my face
The love i made is the shape of my space
My face my face

Desintegrated by the rising sun
A rolling black out of oblivion
And I’d like to think that I’m your number one
I’m (rolling black out of oblivion)

I wanna leave but I just get stuck
A broken record runnin’ low on luck
There’s heavy metal coming from your truck
and I (broken record runnin’ low on luck)

Never in the wrong time or wrong place
Desecration is the smile on my face
The love i made is the shape of my space
My face my face

We could all go down to
Malibu and make some noise
Coca Cola doesn’t do the justice
She enjoys
We could all come up with
Something new to be destroyed
We could all go down

I love the feeling when it falls apart
I’m slow to finish but i’m quick to start and
Beneath the heather lies the meadowlark
And I’m (Slow to finish but quick to start)

Never in the wrong time or wrong place
Desecration is the smile on my face
The love i made is the shape of my space
My face my face

Never in the wrong time or wrong place
Desecration is the smile on my face
The love i made is the shape of my space
My face my face
yeah..

-Red Hot Chili Peppers

At what point does hopelessness and despair completely drown you?
When do you become all consumed by agony?
When does the rock on your chest disappear?
When does someone step in to help?
Is there anything that they can do?
Falling.
Down.
To.
Rock.
Bottom.

It is so important to express to others that they are appreciated. That they are loved. That they are respected for their accomplishments and their moral character. But sometimes…it can be too late.

This week is the National Suicide Prevention week. Suicide is such a dark, misunderstood, and overall grief-stricken monster that is committed by people who are appreciated. Who are loved. Who are respected. Why these people couldn’t see that? Why these people couldn’t grasp the fact that the world is better with them in it? Maybe there are underlying medical conditions, such as clinical depression. Maybe they feel so alone that no substance, person, or faith could comfort them. Maybe they couldn’t find answers they were searching for. Every case varies, but the result is always the same – destruction.

I have known people who have dealt with suicide and the after effects. The pain that they feel knowing it is too late to make a difference has to be the worst kind. Knowing that it is too late to tell that person how they really feel. That it is too late to tell their loved one that they have an impact on this world. This pain should never have to be experienced by anyone. It makes me sick to watch people go through these difficult times.

I have seen a beautiful, strong girl struggle everyday to find something worth living for. Growing up, this girl was the sweetest, brightest burst of sunshine and best friend a girl could ever ask for. She was always singing, dancing, playing, laughing…she had goals. She had dreams. She had me.

As time went on, I noticed a change in her eating habits. By the time we reached middle school, she began battling eating disorders. I remember one specific night….We were having a sleepover. The night was just like every other sleepover we had – a blast. We traded nail polish. Made up dances to the Backstreet Boys. Gossiped about boys. Consumed ice cream. Then we started playing hangman. My friend told me that the next word was something she had tried recently. As I kept guessing letters, she looked more and more frightened. Finally, I understood. My best friend had tried to commit suicide in the eighth grade. I was 11 at the time. I remember running and crying to my mom. I never felt so scared, helpless, and unsure.

From that day on, my friend proceeded to get worse and worse. Eating disorders turned into mental disorders. Self-destruction, ludicrous ideas, and pain and suffering were endured by her each and every day.  I tried to tell her she had a reason to live, she had people who loved her, she had the world at her hands…..I even tried being angry with her….nothing would help. Her adoptive mother passed away when we were in high school after battling another vicious monster, cancer, for years.

From then out, she only got worse. She was in and out of mental institutions and hospitals and still is to this day. She turned to find love through guys who were giving her anything but. She wanted self-assurance and for someone to care for her, but she looked in all the wrong places. I honestly don’t know if she will ever be okay…

My friend lost her way. She lost her faith. She lost her happiness. I would give anything to bring that sunshine back.

It has me thinking – what can I do? Why can’t I help her? What difference can be made? Why doesn’t she believe me?

I want her to know she is beautiful inside and out. I want her to know I cherish the memories we have together. I want her to know I will always be there for her.

The important part of this is that I have to TELL her these things. For what if it’s too late?

I wish that everyone would live more like each day was their last. I know I’m guilty of not abiding by this.

Just because a person may seem okay on the outside, doesn’t mean that they aren’t having an internal struggle. We all have our issues that we deal with in different ways. I feel for those who think that they only way to deal is to end it. I just want to comfort them and make everything better. I want to be their life jacket when they feel they are drowning in life’s hardships. I fear I may never be someone’s rescuer.

I will always be here for my friend. I will always pray for those who are effected by suicide. I will always try to let those I love know I do and why.

Everyone should be told each and everyday that they are appreciated. Loved. Respected. Life’s too short to not love freely.

Tonight I decided to take a break from the life consuming school project and hit up the movies with some much needed caffeiene and puppy chow.

I walked out of “Hot Tub Time Machine” with the sudden urge to send some thoughts to my blog about the underlying theme of this knee-slappin’ movie.

The movie may have contained some crazy comedy scenes that were just plain stupid and created to lower your IQ. However, the main message of the movie is something I think many people my age really need to ponder: You only live once. You’re only young once. Friends are forever.

So many people are in such a hurry to grow up. They are already settling down and getting into the montonous life routine that will probably not change for years to come. I’m not saying there is anything wrong with this, it just isn’t my personal lifestyle choice.

I want to get out and do crazy things with my friends before I have a solid life. I’m not talking about Vegas-loosing-my-morals crazy. I’m talking about packing our stuff in a car, burning a road mix, grabbing some energy drinks, and driving until the sun sets. No plans. No worries. Just spontaneous freedom.

I’m tired of excuses. Not enough money. Can’t take off work. Can’t skip class. Too short of notice. No plans made. Can’t leave Manhattan. Life’s too short. I realize all of these things are important. But just for once, I want to live without limits. I want to explore this world. I want to get out and take adventures.

Camping in Colorado with the mountains as the morning view.
Amazing music festivals: Coachella, Austin City Limits, Rock On the Range, etc.
Relaxing beach vacations…perhaps Mexico.
Backpacking through Europe. GREECE. The Vatican. Ireland.

In HTTM, a group of friends revisit a ski lodge where they had epic weekends together. The bond they held was unbreakable. They grew older and grew apart and forgot about the ties they had. I don’t want my life to be like that. I want to look fondly back at memories from my twenties and be able to relive them still with my friends. I hope that my friends and I will not drift apart and forget the priority of our friendships. I hope to always be there for them. They have been there for me through so much and I know I’ve made some lifelong friends. I say I want out of this town, but that doesn’t mean I want out of their lives.

Who knows what the future holds. It’s kind of exhilirating. I maybe lost, but I find the number of paths to choose from almost comforting. I’m going to try to the best of my abilities to live every moment and be as free of a spirit without being homeless as possible. I hope my friends will join me along the way. Like HTTM, epic weekends with friends are probably one of the greatest treasures in life. I will always value them.