A lesson learned from Hot Tub Time Machine.

Who would have thought that a stupid-but-hilarious comedy would draw an inspiration and teach a key life lesson?

Tonight I decided to take a break from the life consuming school project and hit up the movies with some much needed caffeiene and puppy chow.

I walked out of “Hot Tub Time Machine” with the sudden urge to send some thoughts to my blog about the underlying theme of this knee-slappin’ movie.

The movie may have contained some crazy comedy scenes that were just plain stupid and created to lower your IQ. However, the main message of the movie is something I think many people my age really need to ponder: You only live once. You’re only young once. Friends are forever.

So many people are in such a hurry to grow up. They are already settling down and getting into the montonous life routine that will probably not change for years to come. I’m not saying there is anything wrong with this, it just isn’t my personal lifestyle choice.

I want to get out and do crazy things with my friends before I have a solid life. I’m not talking about Vegas-loosing-my-morals crazy. I’m talking about packing our stuff in a car, burning a road mix, grabbing some energy drinks, and driving until the sun sets. No plans. No worries. Just spontaneous freedom.

I’m tired of excuses. Not enough money. Can’t take off work. Can’t skip class. Too short of notice. No plans made. Can’t leave Manhattan. Life’s too short. I realize all of these things are important. But just for once, I want to live without limits. I want to explore this world. I want to get out and take adventures.

Camping in Colorado with the mountains as the morning view.
Amazing music festivals: Coachella, Austin City Limits, Rock On the Range, etc.
Relaxing beach vacations…perhaps Mexico.
Backpacking through Europe. GREECE. The Vatican. Ireland.

In HTTM, a group of friends revisit a ski lodge where they had epic weekends together. The bond they held was unbreakable. They grew older and grew apart and forgot about the ties they had. I don’t want my life to be like that. I want to look fondly back at memories from my twenties and be able to relive them still with my friends. I hope that my friends and I will not drift apart and forget the priority of our friendships. I hope to always be there for them. They have been there for me through so much and I know I’ve made some lifelong friends. I say I want out of this town, but that doesn’t mean I want out of their lives.

Who knows what the future holds. It’s kind of exhilirating. I maybe lost, but I find the number of paths to choose from almost comforting. I’m going to try to the best of my abilities to live every moment and be as free of a spirit without being homeless as possible. I hope my friends will join me along the way. Like HTTM, epic weekends with friends are probably one of the greatest treasures in life. I will always value them.

Round Trip

As the sun sets on the land below
The mind races and the heart beats
The soul yearns for that unknown

Loneliness creeps in, stealth and cold
The body yearns and aches
The life’s story gone untold

To find oneself seems unlikely
The future hazy as the smog below
Somewhat exciting, somewhat frightening

Questions about finding love
Is the perfect match even out there
Will there be a sign from above

The sun begins to rise
The earth breathing life
The soul becoming alive

The heart steadies and slows
The mind returns to reality
These wonderings let go

Peace and happiness will be found
But as for this moment in time
It’s time to return to the ground

Vamoose

Manhattan, Kansas. A not-so-small but not-so-big town I have spent the last 12 years of my life. Home to purple fanatic fans, typical Midwestern families, and waaaaay too many people I know or am somehow connected to.

I try to live my life without regrets and can honestly say I am pretty good about letting the past stay in the past. However, one decision has been haunting me lately. The choice to stay in Manhattan and go to K-State. The decision to not study abroad. Picking hometown comfort over fresh, new uncertainty.

Looking back, I guess I just thought it would be fun to go to the school I grew up rooting for in every athletic event and to see the house that Synder built. To be in the Bill, doing the Wabash next to my friends, and wearing one of my favorite colors. In my  mind, college was blissful freedom with your closest friends.

Well my idea was just a little off. I feel like you have to either be in a Greek organization, in SGA, an Ag person, or a party animal to fit in here. I fit none of the above. I really have enjoyed K-State and college, but a part of me keeps wondering what else is out there. I am so ready to graduate and get out. I’m tired of going to a social gathering or meeting someone new on campus to find out they know someone from my past. The six degrees of separation rule in Manhattan is more like 2 degrees.

With that being said, I feel like I should no longer reflect on my lack of exploration but look forward to the future.

I have so many dreams and aspirations, none of them involving living in the Little Apple.

I just wish one person would give me a chance. Let me prove to them that I will work harder than anyone. That I will be dedicated to my chosen profession. That I will not disappoint.

I hope that my drive and ambition will take me somewhere. Until then, I will continue chilling in my hometown doing everything in my power to find out what else is out there.

Impact

“Have you ever wondered what marks our timing? If one life can really make an impact on the world? Or if the choices we make matter? Sometimes in order to move forward, you have to go back.”–One Tree Hill

As  2009 comes to an end, I find myself in quiet reflection of the occurrences of this year. Some events were life-altering, some were difficult to deal with, other times I found myself laughing harder than ever in the presence of good people. Highs and lows and ups and downs….but among these tidal waves, was there a rescue? Or did I drown in the shallow water?

This year I made one of the toughest decisions of my life. Granted this decision was mutual, it still required a good amount of courage and faith to take the leap. I chose to find myself. I chose to break away from the comfort of the only stable part of my life for five years running. I do not regret this decision in the slightest. I feel this road taken benefited both parties and  I can honestly say I am happier than I was.

Not to say this was an easy year by any means. It felt as if I was thrown into the rain forest without a guide. The creatures who I walked amongst were unknown and unpredictable. I didn’t know how to interact with them and found my courage and self-confidence were ultimately tested. I struggled at first especially with coping with the solitude. Being in a foreign place alone can be quite intimidating. But slowly I tested the waters. I branched out and allowed myself to interact with the others. There were a few animals that should have been avoided, their poison intoxicating and their bite difficult to deal with. I may have hurt a few along the way….something I regret. I needed to take my time and ensure that they were worth trusting before letting in. I was irresponsible and the feeling of freedom clouded my conscience somewhat. I ran wild and should have just stopped and taken the time to focus on myself.

Well now I have that opportunity. I have decided to keep my wall up and higher than ever. I have let those in who have proven their love and trust for me. I am going to allocate my time, effort, and compassion to those individuals who have made me want to become a better person. To those people who will love me back.

I truly believe that your soulmate, your companion, your family, your best friend…all the above…..they will make you want to be a better person. Do not surround yourself with those who strike at your confidence. Avoid those who bring you down with their judgmental attitudes. Stay away from the doubters, the smooth talkers, the rude, the selfish, and the liars.

Needless to say, I realize I am not perfect. There are many things I want to work on in the year 2010. My ultimate goal is to become more optimistic in  every facet of life. I can be a “Debbie Downer” or a “Negative Nancy” and I am sorry for those friends who have had to deal with this. From everything from body image to relationships to life in general, I have been unsure and critical. I want people to look at me and say, “that girl brings happiness to the world.”

I also want to work on “going with the flow.” Not that I believe in that mumbo jumbo, but as a Virgo, I tend to want everything to be perfect and am very controlling with my life. In 2010, I want to embrace the uncertainty of what the new year brings. God has a plan for me, and even when it seems that the plan is going in the wrong direction, I need to have faith that the journey will help me grow as a person.

Looking back, this year has brought many happy times and cherished memories.

Spending time with all of my friends and the crazy nights that accompanied them….one sober night in particular with my dear friend Cassie…random dance parties….delicious food…..and of course silly pictures

Stepping out of my comfort zone and finding friendship with the least expected people — fourth graders…co-teaching a religious education class that made me feel like I was doing something worthy in the world and helped me renew my faith. Surprisingly I fell in love with these kiddos…

Road tripping with my brother to swim and conversate with our grandparents in Salina….stopping for chocolate at Russel Stovers on the way….writing my Slipknot album review as we rolled down the highway listening to “Snuff.”

Visiting people from Iowa City whose  friendship has been unbreakable despite the distance…..the Styx concert in the park….the crazy fun girls night at Andrea’s….and having to say goodbye but realizing I will see them again.

Driving to Kansas City every week during the summer and using this time for reflection….living with some wonderful people who have become lifelong friends…interning at a place I could see myself working everyday the rest of my life with some pretty great music lovers….the 30 minute commute every morning that I looked forward to wearing my band t’s and converses, sipping on my Diet Dr.. Pepper and rockin out to Slipknot and Korn….performing the mind-numbing task of preparing roll after roll of banners, but being able to use that time to get to know my fellow interns…and of course all the CONCERTS that came with the gig….meeting 18 or so bands this year. Major highlight–Korn and Breaking Benjamin….and from all of this, realizing what I want to do the rest of my life.

Tom’s Comedy Tuesdays with Jacie and Cassie…being able to laugh out loud and forget about life’s seriousness for just one night…sipping on soda and getting a good ol’ ab workout in.

Geeking out and letting my true super nerd show with Katie…Harry Potter marathon all day at the movie theater…two large bags of delicious popcorn consumed….costumes put on…midnight premiere attended…..

Finding healing can be done with the best of friends….Sunday morning lunch tradition with Cassie….hanging out with the meant-to-be-together-forever Lindsay and Craig….getting to see my super successful sister and nurse Kelly….making new friends with those crazy Frankforters….Royals game and BBQ in KC  with Miss Chloe my dear friend Brian….watching movies all summer and eating ourselves to death with Katie…..road trips and concerts with Jacie….the list goes on and on. These friends are forever.

Yes, I believe our choices matter. Ultimately they impact. I don’t know if I have impacted anyone’s life this year, for better or worse. I can only hope that I made a mark somewhere with someone.

This year I hope for optimism and being happy with myself. I hope to make as many good choices as possible. I hope to learn to let life take me for a ride and realize that I do not have to be in the driver’s seat. I hope for love. I hope to deepen my faith. I hope that I can make a difference to someone.

Finding Beauty in Negative Spaces

“It’s like when you go and see a really great band live for the first time, you know, and nobody is saying it but everybody is thinking it. We have something to believe in again.” — Peyton Sawyer on One Tree HIll

Live music has become such a part of my life. It captures all emotions in one setting and allows a person to heal, breathe, remember, and feel in ways that are irreplaceable.

Today, I wanted to write an entry about some of the live shows I have been to and how they have effected me.
First, here is a complete list of bands I have seen.

**The Eagles X 2
**Shinedown X 5
**Breaking Benjamin
**Stone Temple Pilots
**Chevelle
**Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
**Seether
**Korn
**Staind
**Black Stone Cherry
**Sevendust
**Saliva
**Trapt
**Papa Roach
**10 Years
**Theory of a Deadman X 2
**Saving Abel X 2
**Buckcherry X 2
**Redline Chemistry
**Rev Theory X2
**Creed
**Sick Puppies
**Like a Storm
**The Offspring
**Ziggy Marley
**The Expendables
**Taking Back Sunday
**Anberlin
**The Used
**Alkaline Trio
**Steve Winwood
**Days of the New
**Kate Voegele

Some of these bands have been life-changing…others have made me want to dig my ear-drums out (see The Used)….

But in general, when I am at a concert, I am at my happiest. Standing under the stars, in the heat, or in a stadium, on the tips of my toes, dying to get as close as possible without being moshed-pitted to death, the smells associated with concerts that form a sweet aroma, I know that this is where I am met to be. The bass booming so loud it vibrates your chest cavity, the screaming fans, the irresistible melodies floating over the thousands gathered, the head banging and face melting riffs…..concerts are absolute bliss to this rocker.

My favorite concert moment was seeing Shinedown at the Blue Note in Columbia, MO. That venue is incredible. Intimate theater. Small stage. RIGHT THERE. It was like a dream. Black Stone Cherry opened up, setting me in a pre-rockin mode. Then came on Shinedown. I have never felt more connected with a band and music more in my life than in their 1.5 hour set-list that just sent me over the edge of concert heaven.

I remember one specific moment, Eric (the bass player), pointed directly at me and smiled. I was so close to the stage…it just really felt like I was up on stage rocking out with the band. The way they looked into the eyes of their fans made it feel so  much more than just another concert. We were there. In that moment. With them….Meeting the band afterward was also a plus. And when they came back for the Encore and finished with “Fly From the Inside,” I thought my heart would explode because I was that happy.

Another awesome concert experience. Rockfest 2009 in Kansas City. I worked the autograph booth all day, so I was able to meet and greet every single band member of every single band at Rockfest which was one of the best days of my life. However, I didn’t get a chance to see much of the show because I was worried if Corey Taylor had water or not…totally worth every single second…

Anyway, after a long day, my boss told us interns we got to go backstage for Korn. I was ECSTATIC to say the least. Korn has been around forever making an impact on the youth like me. Jonathan Davis enters the stage wearing a kilt and playing the bagpipes. I can feel my face just frozen in a permanent smile. I couldn’t believe I was backstage watching Korn. Their performance was so energy-filled, we could have powered all of KC with the vibe. “Freak on a Leash” was incredible, along with “Falling Away” and” Another Brick in the Wall” and of course the song that surely damaged my neck from head banging so hard, “Got the Life.”  Jonathan Davis was giving his performance so much, I saw him use a oxygen mask in between songs. The way he made 50 + thousand people jump and scream and rock out can never be done again I believe. The crowd was one mass of ever-moving, sweaty bodies, pounding their way closer and closer.

I could go on and on about all the shows I’ve been to and the way concerts make me feel….The Eagles, who I have seen twice, definitely have the most musical talent. They switched instruments almost after every song, vocalized in perfect harmony, and had a stage presence that was indescribable. I think they are one of the only bands I can say sound better live than being recorded. That shows the magnitude this band has.

All in all, concerts are the ultimate. I hope to go to as many shows as I can in my life, no matter the money or time restraints. I know I will always find happiness at a concert.

Here’s a few bands that I have NOT seen that I would sell my liver to…well or close to:

*Foo Fighters
*Slipknot
*MUSE
*Breaking Benjamin
*Audioslave
*Avenged Sevenfold
*Three Days Grace
*Incubus
*Lifehouse
*Manson
*Red Hot Chile Peppers
*Linkin Park

Just a few….but definitely in my have-to-see-before-I-die list.

Future Solitude

After being burned
The flame had died
I thought I learned
To let go and try

To let someone in, with the thought
That everyone deserves a chance
Well trust can’t be bought
But you had me in a trance

Falling like a drop of rain
I fell hard and fast
And deserved all of the pain
Of course it wouldn’t last

You never wanted to know me
You never even tried
It’s all about you baby
And that’s no lie

As we venture forth
You will begin to see
I will learn to be happy
And where will you be?

I have so much love to give
The right person will see
But you…you just want to live
For yourself and not for me

Will you ever learn to be still?

It’s just another day in paradise
As you stumble to your bed
You’d give anything to silence
Those voices ringing in your head
You thought you could find happiness
Just over that green hill
You thought you would be satisfied
But you never will-
Learn to be still

We are like sheep without a shepherd
We don’t know how to be alone
So we wander ’round this desert
And wind up following the wrong gods home

There are so many contradictions
In all these messages we send
(We keep asking)
How do I get out of here
Where do I fit in?
Though the world is torn and shaken
Even if your heart is breakin’
It’s waiting for you to awaken
And someday you will-
Learn to be still
Learn to be still

These lyrics, by one of the greatest bands of all time **The Eagles***, are a fantastic depiction of the single, independent yet lost females’ outlook on life….okay, or maybe just mine.

After spending years in a relationship that seemed like forever, I have formed a new found independence that makes me feel fierce and able. I love being able to do what I want, when I want to. I don’t have to answer to anyone, except, ultimately, God.

However, does independence have a price? Does loneliness sometime seep into the cracks that are tried to be filled by staying busy? Does the desire for a companion along the journey override the love of of flying solo? Will I ever come down from the clouds, or drift with the wind forever?

How do you know when you are doing the right thing? Why does over analyzing occur, when it is nothing but damaging? People say to go with the flow and that if it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be. Everyone says this with such ease, but really guys, please…inform me. How the hell do you know? How can you just go through life not worrying about tomorrow. How do you not question ones’ choices? How do you not wonder “What if?” How do you settle down? How do you let loose? Where is the happy medium. How do you learn to be still?
I hope that eventually I can learn to find a happy balance…but for now…I am as stable as a teeter-totter.

The Forgotten

Just when you think something in your life is as solid as the concrete dam that holds back your tears….the dam breaks.

People leave. You get burned. The people you thought you could count on, really were never there for you in the first place. Selfishness mixed with ignorance combine to form terrible “friends.”

You say you were there for me
You say friends til the end
I now look back and see
That I can never mend

This whole in my heart
Which you used to fill
The void is tearing me apart
Eventually it will kill

But I understand
In this moment
You aren’t worth a damn

Never talk to me
Never talk about me
Forget me completely
I am not yours
Nor will I ever be

Soaring

She craves the wind on her face
Weaving through the clouds
Dancing through the air with grace
Leaving those behind on the ground

How do you fall with honor?
Is it possible to have the freedom you desire
Without inflicting pain they can’t endure?
Words and beliefs spread like fire

You see a smile spread across her face
A sight that has become rare
Why should she give up on her faith
She leaves her emotions bare

She wants to know herself
She doesn’t need you to press
She is putting you on a shelf
So she can deal with her own mess

Whose to say what is right
Whose to say what is wrong
I know that when I take flight
I will leave you with this song

Let me discover who I am
Let me spread my wings
Maybe someday I will land
Until then, I am going to sing

Deseos y Suenos

The mind slowly drifts.

To a location unknown

The craving to sift

Through the negative and bones

Of the ghosts pasts

and the star-lit future

Will your ambition last?

Will you be able to capture?

You think about the world

The people who surround you

Empty faces and superstitious desires

They tend to dampen and put out your fire

Look to the finish line and keep your head up

You will reach your goal and stay tough

Push and pull until you have what’s yours

Your dream will be conquered and you will soar

Like a bird over the dead

Feathers flying through the sky

Drifting through the gusts of what’s been said

Leave the negative things and just fly by